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Pokemon Rant

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Pokemon.  It's a series of games, and now a worldwide phenomenon.  I grew up with the Pokemon generation, and when I was nine years old, it was all we talked about.  But looking back today, there are some things I NEVER figured out.  And today, I'm going to bring them all to light, starting with the very first games.  

Now, mine is kind of a special case--see, the first Pokemon game I ever got was Pokemon Gold, and I didn't get the old Blue game until later.  Of course, later on I wished I hadn't.  Compared to the original, the graphics and plot were a hell of a lot better in Gold.  But I digress.  Blue is what I'll start with, because that was the first game.  The first few Pokemon, in my opinion, had the most things that worried me.  First off, there's the fourth, fifth, and sixth Pokemon, the Charmander evolution line.  These guys are pretty badass--well, except for Charmander.  The problem I have with these Pokemon is, if the fire on their tail goes out, according to the Pokedex, they die.  It's like their pilot light goes out or something.  Yet, in the game, surely if a Water-type move was used against them, they would die, right?  Well, according to the rules, Pokemon never die in battle.  And not only that, but sometimes they don't even faint.  To me, this is just ridiculous, and pretty hypocritical.  Not that I want them to die, but still--come on.  

Then there's Zubat.  SO many questions come to mind when I look at this guy.  First of all, Zubat has no eyes.  In the future, it uses a move called Mean Look.  How can it look meanly at ANYTHING without any eyes?  Is this where we get the expression "blind as a bat"?  Well, even real bats aren't blind--they can see pretty well, but they see better in the dark using echolocation, as any grade-school student will tell you.  Zubat do that as well, but not only that, it added the additional wrinkle of poisonous fangs.  Is this supposed to be a bat, or a flying snake?  Speaking of that, Zubat has no feet.  Are you kidding me?  No feet?  Do you mean to tell me that Zubat can just keep flying forever?  Either that, or it prays to be captured so it can rest.  However, in the anime, Zubat is shown hanging upside down on a cave roof.  Only one question comes to mind--what the hell is holding it up?  Now, there's no way that those tiny sticks Zubat calls legs could hang on to the roof of a cave--it's solid rock.  Does it secrete some kind of sticky goo?  Oh god, it's a spider-bat!  Either that, or it flies, ass-first into the cave ceiling so hard it literally impales itself in the roof!  Sounds like the cause of a cave-in to me.  

Speaking of captured, there's countless rumors floating around about glitches in this game that allow you to capture Pokemon you usually couldn't catch.  For example, they say that if you die just after the S.S. Anne leaves, and the last place you healed was in the Pokemon center in Vermilion City, then if you come back, the boat will still be in port.  That's a lie.  Trust me, I tried it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I tried every one of the rumors, and some of them were made up by friends of mine.  True story.  One of my friends made up this tale that if you bred a Kakuna with a Metapod in the Day-care center, they'd evolve together into Celebi.  Now, I knew right away that this wasn't true, because you can only raise ONE Pokemon in Blue's Day-care center.  But speaking of breeding, we've all agreed that Pokemon hatch from eggs, right?  So how does that explain Kangaskhan?  It's a marsupial, obviously--more like a kangaroo than a Pokemon--and yet, it hatches from an egg, as is.  With the baby in its pouch already.  What--the--hell?  Am I to understand that Kangaskhan gives birth to a baby that already is raising a baby of its own?  Not only that, but how come the baby never grows up?  They really should explain this--the show may not be the same as the game, but then again, the show came AFTER the game, so they should at least have compared them to each other beforehand!  I think that THIS is the reason Nintendo didn't include Kangaskhan in any games after Gold and Silver--because they didn't feel like explaining it to the kids playing the games!  

But anyway, back to the rumors.  Mew is so hard to obtain, you know there had to be rumors about it before game companies made it a contest prize.  The famous 'truck case' is false, as well as any other rumor about catching Mew.  Personally, I like Mewtwo better anyway.  Speaking of Mewtwo, that's another thing I don't get.  In the episode "Showdown at the Poke Corral", it actually shows Mewtwo escaping from Giovanni's lab after blowing it up.  That was a movie--it never happened!  So why did you put it in the anime?  Not only that, but Warner Brothers missed one other thing in this episode.  Ash caught a Tauros?  And not only that, but a whole herd of them?  Okay, when and where did this happen?  Now, to be fair, there were several 'lost episodes' of Pokemon that were never aired in the U.S., and three that I know of.  Ever wonder why there was never an episode where we saw a Dragonair in the show--which happens to be one of my favorite Pokemon?  Well, there actually was....while Ash was still stuck in the Safari Zone, they ran into a warden that was very protective of a Dratini that lived at the bottom of a nearby lake.  So protective, in fact, that he actually carried a gun.  Yeah, you read that right--a gun in Pokemon.  No wonder this episode never aired.  Basically, it's just like any other episode of Pokemon--Ash goes to search for Dratini anyway, but in the meantime, Team Rocket is interrogating the warden about the whereabouts of the rare Pokemon.  Anyway, Team Rocket tries to blow the dragon out of the lake with a bomb, but Ash dives in to save it.  Somehow, it magically evolves into Dragonair, and Ash, flying on the Dragonair--who can't fly, by the way--tosses the bomb back at Team Rocket and blasts them off--again.  And you thought this review wouldn't teach you anything!  Also, the episode known as "Beauty and the Beach" in the U.S. or just "the lost episode", almost didn't air because James used inflatable breasts.  Another episode, starring Porygon, almost didn't air because in a fight scene, there were alternating flashes of blue and red that literally caused some Japanese kids to have seizures.  I'm not kidding.  And THAT'S not only why we didn't see it, but also why there's a seizure warning on every Japanese-made game there is.  Yeah, those three were explained, but the Tauros--weren't.  What the hell.  

Also, there was yet another rumor--about a Pokemon that looked like a blue Pikachu that you could catch in this certain lake in the Safari Zone by using Surf.  Not only is it not true, but "Pikablu", as it turns out, was actually an advance rumor about Marill, a Pokemon that wouldn't come out until Gold did.  None of the rumors I ever heard about these supposed 'legendary Pokemon' were true--save one.  I'm pretty sure you all know what I'm talking about.  You know, I never pulled it off, but there's a glitch Pokemon that you could catch, called "Missing Number", or "Missingno", by most people.  It's a programming error, and if you did things a certain way, you'd encounter it near the Seafoam Islands.  But since SO many people have drawn this missing Pokemon, it must be true.  You really can't draw it unless you've seen the thing, so....but don't try and save your game after you catch it.  It could corrupt your data.  

I later played Pokemon Stadium, and the sequel, and still own both.  They happen to be a few of my favorite N64 games.  Now, the big event in Pokemon Stadium is after you beat the Gym Leader Castle, you get to fight Mewtwo himself in a big challenge.  You have six Pokemon, but Mewtwo is scary powerful.  He knows moves that basically can hit any move type where it hurts.  But the thing that I never got about Mewtwo is this:  whenever he attacks, he puts the backs of his hands together, moves back, then shoots his arms out forward.  Sound familiar?  That's right--Mewtwo can use a Kamehameha wave!  That's badass!  And after that, you also get to select Mew for the first time in the rental Pokemon you use to take on the stadium.  But to make up for that, the challengers are a lot more powerful.  Anyway, there's not much I find wrong with this game except for more issues with the Pokemon themselves.  Another Pokemon that's always bugged me is Diglett.  You know why--just look at it.  First off, is that red thing on its face a big clown nose or its mouth?  It has to have BOTH, last time I checked.  Not only that, but what the hell does it dig with?  It has no hands, and what the hell do its feet look like?  We never see them.  Is this a mole or a giant underground worm--oh god, is this where the tremors came from?!  Also, how can they call a group of Pokemon an evolution?  Dugtrio and Magneton both have this problem.  But at least Magneton evolves later on.  I also note that Diglett and Dugtrio don't show up in Diamond and Pearl--could it be because Nintendo is afraid of people like me, who spot their flaws, and pull flawed Pokemon from games they release later on to avoid confrontation?  I'd like to think so--after all, you guys know I live for feedback.  It could be just a coincidence, though.  You know, speaking of that, I'd like to share with you an idea I had for my Pokemon Zenith game that pretty much hit the skids after I left high school.  Since Nintendo is so desparate to add new HM moves--Dive and Defog seem like desparation to me--I was thinking that there could be a new HM move in Zenith that allows you to sense traps that the bad guys in this game, Team Apocalypse, set up for you.  My idea was that like Ruby and Sapphire, there would be TWO evil teams--one that just steals Pokemon and one that wants to destroy the world.  Team Tidalwave were the thief team, and obviously Team Apocalypse wants to destroy the world.  Anyway, in their HQ, you would make use of an HM called Sense.  Only for Psychic-types and those with mental abilities, Sense would be similar to Reveal from the Golden Sun games, in that it would allow you to see, within a small radius of your character, hidden things you couldn't normally see.  Anyway, on with the rant.  

Next comes Pokemon Snap, and with it came many new problems.  In Pokemon Snap, you use items and other tools to capture photos of Pokemon in the wild.  Among them is an item called the Pester Ball, which can drive hidden Pokemon out from cover.  It launches some kind of pink gas, which apparently Pokemon don't like.  However, the real question comes later on when you go onto a stage called the River.  Using the Pester Ball, you can drive out Porygon from cover in the bank, where they've been covered in moss and the like that makes them camouflaged.  Now, one question.  How the hell do you find Porygon in the wild, anyway?  Aren't they supposed to be virtual?  But if that's the case, how do they even exist in the outside world?  And don't get me started on its evolutions.  Also, there is a scene where you lure a Slowpoke to a fishing spot, and it catches a Shellder on its tail and evolves into Slowbro.  You already know the problem I have with this--Slowpoke evolves by leveling up in the games, so where does the Shellder come from?  It would make more sense if it could only evolve if you had a Shellder in your party, but they didn't learn how to do that until Ruby and Sapphire.  Also, later on in a stage called the Cave, you throw Pester Balls at a Grimer sitting on a nearby ledge, and if you do this three times, it'll evolve into Muk.  So that begs the question--if Muk is a Poison Pokemon, and it evolves by being exposed to a Pester Ball, then the balls must be poison!  What the hell kind of sense does that make?  Also, there's a Poke Flute, which showed up in the anime, that makes Pokemon shake their groove things for the camera.  It wakes up Snorlax, just like in the game, but it also makes every other Pokemon get funky!  It's just like charming a snake.  Why didn't they ever make a sequel to Pokemon Snap?  I liked it, but that part alone disappointed me.  

Next up, it's the Johto generation--I really don't have a problem with this set, but there are a few things that bugged me.  First, my favorite Eevee evolution, Espeon, showed up in this game, and that's okay.  But the problem I have with the way that Espeon and Umbreon evolve kind of overshadows that.  Seriously--you gotta make it happy at night?  God, that brings back memories of Spongebob--and those are BAD memories.  I also have to bring up something that's bothered me about the Pokemon games for all the time I've played them.  The boulders you need to use Strength and Rock Smash on to move--where do they come from?  Do they drop down from the ceiling because too many Zubat impale themselves up there?  If that's the case, then shouldn't all the boulders be broken like the Rock Smash ones?  Oh, and in the game, I gotta say the Rock Smash boulders look like cabbage heads.  And also, why are the Strength boulders perfectly square?  They must be made of pretty strong stuff if they aren't even scratched when they fell from the ceiling--and I ask you, what other explanation is there?  Why couldn't they just build the entire cave out of the same rock and make it sturdy enough to hold together?  But then again, that would make for a pretty pointless cave.  Also, I never got how you use Strength.  Isn't it your Pokemon that are using the move?  Ergo, you should see them pushing on the boulder--get back to work, slaves!--but you don't!  Instead, your character turns into Superman and pushes the boulder himself!  *or herself if you're playing Crystal*.  Speaking of Crystal, I really gotta say that that Eusine guy you meet who's spent his life searching for Suicune really needs to get a life.  Then again, it is pretty rare to catch in the Gold and Silver games, but in Crystal, it's a breeze.  Suicune is my favorite of the 'legendary dogs', so I'm not complaining about that part.  Also, this game is the first time I actually caught a "shiny" Pokemon--specifically, a Seaking.  I'm dead serious.  It's not that strong, but boy is it rare!  

With Ruby and Sapphire, things got a bit better--but there are still a lot of things wrong to me.  First off, there's the fact that Skarmory, a Steel Pokemon, hangs out in an area where there's ash constantly falling down on you!  Wouldn't it get ash in its joints?  Also, there's the whole issue with catching a Shedinja.  If you don't know how, here's how you do it.  When a Nincada in your party reaches level 20, you need to make sure you have an open slot in your party and at least one Poke Ball.  Nincada will evolve into Ninjask, and apparently the skin it leaves behind becomes Shedinja.  How the hell would you know to do this unless you got it off the Internet?  Also, Shedinja, I have to say, really isn't worth it.  He has an awesome ability, but the same moves as Ninjask when he first evolves.  But he also has only ONE HIT POINT.  And don't try using HP Up on it, because it doesn't work.  It's basically immune to all attacks except those that would be "super-effective" against either one of its types--Bug or Ghost.  That means you should steer clear of Dark, Ghost, Poison, Flying, and Fire moves.  Also, the move Future Sight can and will hit it.  That's the only exception I know of to this rule.  If you get hit once, though, you're screwed.  Shedinja really is more trouble than it's worth.  There's also the whole issue with Deoxys.  You all know this guy--he's probably the best Pokemon in existence, and that's not because of his moves.  No, it's because he's a frickin' ALIEN!  Does anyone else see the connection here?  Pokemon are all aliens!  Finally, something that explains their strange abilities!  And the theory that Clefairy came from the moon--may not just be a theory anymore!  *dun dun DUNNN!!!*  I'm just kidding with that, but still, it's pretty creepy.  

Diamond and Pearl made things a bit better, as they did before, but hold on.  Before you jump to conclusions and say that this game doesn't have problems, let me show you a few.  Again, Nintendo must have been desparate to add more Eevee evolutions.  I mean, "Leafeon"?  Come on!  My friend and I made that name up in grade school!  Apparently, if you take any word in the English language and add 'eon' to the end of it, sooner or later, Eevee will evolve into it.  I don't know about you guys, but I want a Galaxeon!  Okay, that was bad, but you know that I have a point.  Eevee is one of the weirdest little Pokemon there ever was.  It's cute, though, right?  Also, there seems to be a mystic power radiating from Mt. Coronet, because of Shellos.  The only Pokemon that changes its appearance based on where you find it that I know of, Shellos is one of the biggest mysteries.  Also, Magneton will only evolve into Magnezone INSIDE Mt. Coronet.  And again, the Spear Pillar is *say it with me* on top of Mt. Coronet.  Good lord--what kind of power is radiating from this mammoth mountain?  Also, there's a kind of conspiracy going on.  If you catch Arceus, does that make you God?  After all, he created Pokemon.  Apparently Satoshi Tajiri had nothing to do with it.  Speaking of which, Ash is called "Satoshi" in Japan.  Hmmm....could there be a connection?  If you capture all the legendary Pokemon, though, you may as well BE God, because it's almost impossible.  NINETEEN legendaries--count them if you dare.  Also, I have to say that Rotom reminds me a lot of that game Elebits.  A little electric ghost--sound familiar?  Also, it brings up the issue of Pokemon using moves they shouldn't be able to use.  Like how when Piplup evolves into Prinplup, it learns Metal Claw--and it has no claws!  

Well, that's only a few of the problems that I have with Pokemon.  But what can I say?  It's endured all this time because Pokemon is a great series of games, no matter how inconsistent it can be.  I hope the next games will be even better, because quite frankly, compared to most of these games, XD SUCKED!  But the Ninja will review it later on.  In the meantime, I'll leave you with this thought--no matter how many Pokemon games there are, Nintendo will find a way to screw them up.  After all, look what they did with Crash Bandicoot and Spyro.  
Don't get me wrong, I love Pokemon, even the terrible XD game, but there are just some things that I don't get about it. I'm sure you may have wondered about them, too, but today, I'm bringing them into the light.
© 2008 - 2024 NinjaHeart
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MoonlightPikaLove's avatar
"There's also the whole issue with Deoxys. You all know this guy--he's probably the best Pokemon in existence, and that's not because of his moves. No, it's because he's a frickin' ALIEN!"
LOL